I Think My Name Would be "Steele"

Pronounced like the metal, but my middle name sure as Hell wouldn't be "Stainless!" Neither would it be "Spine." I like, "Donatello," or something else exotic, like me. This is half of my 150% speaking now. If you know me intimately as close friend, partner or family, who would number about two, maybe three, you will know exactly what I mean. BTW, not "Wool" either, don't be cute.

Pending Permissions, Thinking ....

I believe that we need our expletives, thinking of doing my Master's thesis on this. These taboo words add emphasis and sometimes clarity. All languages have their own juju, their own la caca en la lecha, etc. I am not trying to offend anyone's sensitivities, or to bring down imaginary curses, I'm trying to SPEAK! Our recent distaste of certain words to the point of censorship is almost Orwellian, especially when refusal to post honest and meaningful material is brought about by such a large-scale entity as .... everybody. I signed up for freedom of speech, protected for a good reason, and I see this petty behavior towards certain words as the beginning of a "slippery slope." What will be cut out of the real world and real emotional responses or human proclivities of speech next? I wasn't speaking against some powerful political figure, but what if I was? Would that post also be withheld from view, "PENDING PERMISSIONS?" This one probably will be, too. What's the point?

The Gospel According to Sheila

The Gospel According to Sheila Hey babe, whassup?It's my favorite time of day, except for late evening, sometimes up till midnight, but usually way too tired or I have to be somewhere in the morning, and that involves biking and catching buses. My bike is heavy for a name brand, but it is a combo trail/city bike. Messes with my back. I have to lift it a lot to get it into the racks for bikes on the front of the bus. I have to get it about chest-high. I need dual suspension and heavy tires and tubes. I've popped two rear tires already. Also need some quick-release features, a good high gear for speed downhill, low-gear uphill. I also want tires I can easily take on and off the rims to change flats as I have with the bike I have now. Hmm, I wonder if my bike could be inexpensively ($100 or less) modified into rear suspension or tinkered with to give me a softer ride in the rear? I know how to go up and down curbs, but it isn't fun, takes a little skill, but mostly slows me way down overall and is hard on my back. I HATE curbs!! At least the wind isn't a factor, as it was in flat-land Amarillo.I "recommended" a couple of blog posts to you on Google+ to see if you get them, and your comments are welcome. I try for funny entries if I can, or meaningful entries to make one think. Thinking, as we both know, is a GOOD thing. So few people really know how to do it, or they do it poorly. My thought at this moment is that I don't want to "flood" you with stuff, so please read, but take your time if you want to answer, and answering, of course, is totally optional. I tried to send you 2 posts from Frog in a Blender, my blog in Blogger.I have to write a letter to my mother, as she is getting old and starting to get frail and ailing on and off, and wants me to write to her so badly. She's going to figure into my blogs. She rejected being "somebody's wife and mother" (ouch) when I was only 8 and she divorced my father. She shrinks away from me any time I seek anything motherly from her. Well, THIS letter to her is going to be addressed, not "Dear Brenda," but "Dear Mom." SHE's the one who wants me to write, and said, "you are my daughter, after all..." Her guilt-trip attempt will be turned on its head. If she needs me now, where was she for me? If I have to go to Seattle and use all the unfamiliar and scary bus routes, exhausting, to help her, they by God, she can let me inside her heart or tolerate letting me call her "Mom." She doesn't deserve the title, but I need her to cowboy up and take it.I've never had a parent to call as a young and confused or conflicted young adult who was desperate for $50 on loan or most importantly, in need of soothing or experienced advice when I was conflicted or wasn't sure what to do, or just plain lonely. You can do this with me when you are out on your own, you know.I never stopped wanting to be your mother. I didn't quit the job, even when you were still gone and missing from my life. I'm glad I don't have to cry anymore. I am so proud of you, and I hope that sometimes I have helped you in some way.Since we were apart for SO long, most of your life and a quarter of mine, I hope to also be a friend to you. Not long after that pregnancy test came up positive, I realized I wanted you very much, even though I was also terrified. When you were born, I heard you cry and said, as I've probably related, "My God, I'm Somebody's Mother..." I was in total awe. From the first time I held you, I knew I had found my life's calling; to be a good mother where I had had none or worse. I experienced intense cruelty and terror and degradation in combination with indoctrination into a harsh religion that disagreed with itself and relied on a book, the words of god only knows who, which also disagreed with itself in its fundamental definitions of God and his characteristics, desires and plans. So it's an ancient text. BFD.At 19 I began to de-program myself, and it was terrifying, confusing, painful and ultimately angry. It took a few years to really be complete, and more years to me are more miles with all that crap behind me. They don't have a license to drive into young hearts or claim any "holy" status, nor do they have any idea who or what God is, whoever he is. I use the generic English "he" in my writing, I don't believe any real cosmic consciousness would be a he or a she. If we were created by some consciousness, it was probably exactly as modern science tells us, the incredibly long and complex journey from amino acids floating in a pool to hundreds of millions of years later for us to be here and be what we are.If some God made us, we are probably more like pets. Who knows, maybe there are hundreds of thousands of planets with complex, conscious intelligent life? I wonder if they think about any of the same things we do, the things we wonder about and make up stories about simply because we are programmed to need to KNOW things, always so curious. We can't know certain things, so we make mythology, legends, vision-quests, creation stories, and beliefs based on fertile imaginations. "Blessed are those who are the stupid, for they shall find comfort in fairy tales." Gospel of Sheila 1:10Don't think that I don't believe in some kind of cosmic-scale consciousness that out of convenience I call God, but I don't think [i]anybody [/i]has any (censored) clue as to what he is, but they tell themselves they do. I have prayed and what the Hell but freakish and improbable things came about after, including you. Even Einstein believed in God, I recently learned, and his "faith" was much like mine. Kind of sends shivers up my spine.Screw King James and 3000 year old parchments and the (censored) Red Sea. Screw all of the books similar. (Although certain "nuggets" of truth or beauty are indelibly lodged within the old books if one knows how to look for them). What is true is not necessarily beautiful, and anything lovely is not necessarily true. Gospel according to Sheila*, 1: 23 (There IS no Book of Sheila, lol!) I think The Gospel According to... might be a great title for an autobiography! LOL! XD XDI wanted another child when you were young, and I wanted Monty to be home enough to make us a real family and help keep me from being so depressed. My life's whole purpose revolved around this and being a good mother, or at least trying hard to be. I grieved for you and my rightful and needed place in the world [i]both[/i] ripped from my loving arms. I wasn't always perfect, and in some ways I was considerably lacking, but not from lack of effort or care. I love you, my child. I did not write the last line.
THIS POST PENDING PERMISSIONS!

God's Poetry

3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 < Ask me to quote this verse.

Man is proven a finite being who falters in the face of the infinite. Here is a kind of poetry greater than the stars and all the infintesimal forms of matter, making us monkeys all.

The lines may be seperated oddly despite my efforts, but these terminate at 1,000 digits,
copied from http:/www.eveandersson.com/pi/digits/pi-digits. It is on record that well over 2 trillion digits have been calculated. Some people celebrate "Pi Day" on each March 14. Do you suppose they have cake? I would. White with white frosting. Many people have memorized the digits of Pi to over 1,000. I have made it my own hobby. I call it, "Eating Pi." When I get to 1,000 digits, I'll quit. This is truly an irrational response to an irrational number, but someone somewhere threw down an imaginary gauntlet. If I live long enough, someday I'll quote more than the first 50, until then, remember to have cake on 3-14-15, the Pi Day of a millenium.

5820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844
60955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196442
881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664821
33936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903
600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173819326
1179310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912983367336244065
6643086021394946395224737190702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669
4051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301465
495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344181598136297747713099605
187072113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083026425223082
533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823537875937519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989

My Secret Mission from God

I am on a secret mission from God. The mission is secret even to me, and by my use of the word "God," I refer to a universal, ubiquitous, sentient, invisible, undetectable and unknowable entity similar to Einstein's God. I search for truth and wisdom, to express thoughts that will linger and grow into wholesome fruit trees even afer my ashes are long cold and scattered. Truth is everywhere but very hard to discern. It is very easy to reject what we do not understand, and as far as my holistic world and all of its diverse megatons of data are concerned, I understand very little, but to reject these is the job of a fool. I really only hope to make some small difference for having lived, which I work on every day.